I have heard it said that simple honest truth in life is one of the hardest things to find. I know that I am often quite amazed at how difficult to accept the plain and simple truth. The knee jerk reaction is to dismiss it as being way too simple. This puzzled me for a long time. So I began to wonder why is there a communication breakdown between what we see and hear; and how our brain filters and reinterprets that message. You would think that someone that needs help would be open to being helped. I wanted to test this idea and find out why.
So after conducting covert research without suggesting that the conversation was at all intended to be research in nature found some interesting patterns. I decided not reveal that I was gathering information, this way they won’t be guarded about what they say. Each conversation was natural and very unassuming. I started off by describing how misguided any assumptions would be in assuming that personal flaws were not repairable. Any feeling of helplessness is understandable but the reluctance to accept that a solution is possible without even trying; seems rather closed minded to me. Instinctively, I knew that any answer would be far more complex than that. Over a period of time a pattern began to emerge. The majority of people when pushed to solve their personal issue would claim to already have tried any idea that you can think of. Overwhelmingly, I began to see that much a passive aggressive method of controlling what is going on. I kept mostly audio notes and reviewed them periodically. I would revisit this conversation periodically to see if any of their answers would change. What I found was that a new pattern emerged. When an individual felt open to new ideas, they would actively partake in this conversation and seemed more open to idea that could help. I made more notes that were time stamped of the results and reached some more interesting conclusions. First off, those that accepted advice that resulted in a positive experience had a noticeable change in attitude. Gone was a belief that they were hopelessly beyond help. The turn around is what I found most puzzling. Why did mood and attitude play such a large part in this?
I had always assumed that this stems from the communication breakdown I described earlier. Humans have a tendency to be suspicious about anything that simplifies how they feel. The question is was there something more at work here.
The culprit is something most of us do not want to talk about and that is lowered self esteem. Lowered self esteem can hurt you both directly and indirectly. Some people cope well, others hide and other bury it deep in denial. The element that is the most dangerous is when we develop a bad attitude as a self defense mechanism to keep others from poking around in our personal business. Individuals that have esteem issues most often are actively hiding that from others, they do not want to talk about this.
The turning point was most always realized when these same individuals found help either on their own or by consulting a trusted friend. As soon they took initiative and opened up to someone about their issue, they become open to listening to ideas that might help. A change in their attitude meant they were in a place mentally where they really wanted to be helped.
The biggest culprits were high functioning individuals. Since they are so used to being independent and not counting anyone else, they rarely open up. The danger is in assuming that because someone is openly in denial about something that they value their pride over getting help. Despite having a high aptitude for knowledge, highly functioning type are always overly self aware. You have to let them come to the conclusion they need help before they will accept any. In other words, it has to be their idea.
Another interesting pattern was how some would routinely hint at the issue but would act like they did not care to seek a solution. The act of hinting was like making conversation for the sake of it. This was a need for attention. They want someone to know that they weren’t struggling and that there was little need for concern. If anything this confirms what I have always said, you cannot help someone that won’t help themselves.
Clearly after conducting so many conversation with people about this topic. I had to agree that lowered self esteem is more common than most of us acknowledge. Individuals cope differently. Some people find a way to confront their issues on their own. Others are not so lucky. They struggle but continue to push forward all the while losing more of themselves along the way. Some end up very depressed, and or turn to addictive behaviors to cope. Denial is a common reaction to lowered self esteem. I believe most of use would agree that there are no easy answers. There simply is not any one magical formula that can help everyone.
I have a way that helps me through tough times:
Firstly, I think of of self esteem as an equation: self worth + confidence = self esteem. The more self worth you have affects how much confidence have. This how I measure my self esteem. So the opposite is then true. A lower value of self worth, means less confidence and thus lowered self esteem. Many people go through life pretending on the outside to be together and content. Their mask serves to hide their true feelings from an unforgiving world where weakness is not tolerated. Their insides would show a different picture of fighting against falling apart. The answer is surprisingly simple yet paradoxical in nature; it can be extremely hard to implement.
You have to build self worth by taking risk and leaning from your mistakes. You must confront what taunts you and along the way you will gain more confidence. Over the years and I found a repeatable pattern.
- People that take time to clean up their personal area at home and at work area have generally higher self esteem than those that do not. Somehow self worth, means cleaner environment, more attention to personal grooming etc.
- People that have lowered self esteem fall into 2 distinct types, those that care about the perceptions of others and those that do not.
- Individuals that care about what others think often want to be helped and already do what they can to keep pace with others.
- Those have fallen deep into self-loathing often form meaningless relationships that allow them to keep their insecurity carefully hidden. Thus creates a situation whereby they do not have to feel accountable to anyone including themselves.
A good place to start is do not dwell on what you don’t like about yourself. Instead of dwelling on your short comings; think of them as opportunities to grow. If you hate mirrors because of your size, then turn yourself into someone mirror friendly. The power to change stems from whether or not you care enough to make the necessary changes. To help this along I suggest that you make a short and long term bucket list. Do not rush through this, take the time you need to be thorough. Another thing, and yes this is going to sound ridiculous, but take the time to clean your surroundings. Do your laundry put away dishes, and start to eat healthy. Incorporate exercise into your life. Try and cultivate good meaningful relationships. All of this speaks loudly about how you see yourself. Your life should be a reflection of how you want to live; live like the person you are. Its easier than you think once you believe you are worth fighting for.
Remember that success won’t happen overnight. Also, you are not going to wake up a few days later completely full of self love. The goal is to view who you are differently and more positively. It may take some time for old habits to change. Once established you will have a new normal for you.
Lastly, one last point. I have learned so much from not only what works, but also from what did not work. Falling down and picking yourself up is the best teacher at times. Learn to make those mistakes valuable lessons learned. I cannot stress enough, be good to yourself, sleep well, eat properly and don’t take anything for granted. If any step is particularly difficult to acclimate; make the struggle a part of the road to recovery. I never said it would be easy only that it was a simple recipe to follow; how it ends up is up to you.
Self Help Journal 